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by Candice Leong, Bailattelo Dance Academy Zurich

I know there are many times when we dancers feel compelled to turn down an offer to dance.  Sometimes, it is totally innocent, like when you have just come off the dance floor after a 6 minute long Tito Puente track (normally a track the DJ puts on so he can go to the toilet or get a drink at the bar), that literally leaves you feeling as if you have just gone 8 rounds with Mike Tyson (minus the ear-biting…that would have given you more energy to perhaps go another round).  At this moment in time, a person should instinctually know you are in no physical condition to get back on the dance floor for rounds 9-16.  

When I come off the dance floor after a hardcore dance session, I look like a salmon that has just flipped itself out of the water…I am completely covered in sweat (I probably feel wet and slippery like a fish too), and gasping for air like my life depended on it.  I never understood how anyone could see this as an opportune moment to ask me for a dance.  Especially as I normally cant breathe, let alone choke the words “no thank you” out.  

There are also those moment when you have had a long day at the office, with annoying co-workers who complain about being fat, while scoffing down a Snickers Bar, or complains about how no one at work values what she does (like, sitting their complaining and eating a Snickers Bar?), and a boss who thinks that “making coffee” is in your job description.  Its times like these that you just want to go out to salsa, have a few good dances, talk to a few people, have a few drinks, and just immerse yourself in the feeling that you no longer have to think about the realities of your life…until the next morning.  Those days are also the ones where you sometimes are just in the mood to have a few easy dances with the people that you know and feel comfortable dancing with…not stressing out trying to follow leads you have never felt before, or trying to be the world-record spinner.  For men, your equivalent, I guess, would be leading a girl who feels like your pushing IKEA furniture around a room, or a woman who is leading herself into moves you never even knew were possible with just one cross body lead.  

But sometimes, we turn down a dance, not because we are too tired, or have had a bad workday.  Sometimes, we turn them down for slightly more shallow reasons.  I once had an occasion where I had just come off the dance floor and stood next to two girls on the sidelines.  From the corner of my eye, a guy, (a good dancer who shall remain nameless, as I still appreciate the use of my legs) approached the girl furthest to me and asked her to dance, and almost immediately, got rejected.  Then he approached the girl next to me, and she too turned him down.  At this point I knew it was my turn, and as I got my back all raised up to reject him (after all, no one likes being the third in line, especially after someone has been rejected by the first two), I turned to look at him and realized it was a friend of mine.  Normally, I would think it was some really notoriously bad dancer/ a bad sweater/ a guy with bad body odor, that the women were trying to avoid, but surprisingly, it was just my friend, and he happened to be a great dancer.  But as he asked me to dance, I was about to politely turn him down (after all, I had just gotten off the dance floor and needed to cool off), when I think he sensed my answer and quickly whispered in my ear “Please dance with me Candice…it is already humiliating enough that two beginners have just turned me down”.  So, I told him to take it easy on me, and we danced a song…laughing the whole way through about his experience, while the girls who turned him down, watched in the sidelines with regret, as they realized he could have probably been the best dance they had all night.

As cruel as that whole scenario may seem, it made me realize something very important.  That we sometimes take for granted what our actions could mean to another person. The little gestures we do, can shape and mould peoples experiences and make them have a positive or negative outlook on things.  I remember when I was a beginner, I used to be terrified of asking the good guys to dance (at this time they were people like SuperMario, when he was still just Mario, and had JUST started teaching, and my ex-dance partner Laith).  I would stand on the sidelines at the clubs, watching them dance with all the good girls, dying for the chance to dance with them…but it always took a lot of self coaxing and courage to ask one of them to dance. There were many times where I couldn’t find the courage to do it, and I ended up at the end of the night with a huge sense of regret and frustration towards myself.  Luckily for me, the majority of the times I did ask, I almost always got to dance (perhaps I chose my battles wisely), but the few times where I got rejected, were a huge blow to my ego.  It never feels good to be rejected, or to be the third girl to be asked, and only because two others said “NO”before you.  It never feels nice to be rejected, and then see the guy get up and ask another girl to dance, or be asked to dance and accept it.  Those are things that mould and shape our confidence as dancers.  It can make us feel confident and invincible, or insignificant and worthless.  It can make asking a stranger to dance, a positive, or a negative experience.  

So next time someone you don’t know asks you to dance, remember all those times in the beginning how insecure you felt.  Saying “YES” to someone can totally make his or her day…imagine that, one word could change someone’s evening.  So it might not be the best dance you ever have…but you would have made someone happy, and that should make you feel happy too.  Also, never forget that a smile can make all the difference.  It makes a person feel more at ease (which can help them dance better as they will be more relaxed)…we all know what it feels like to dance with someone better than ourselves (we stiffen up like Rigor Mortis is setting in), and that smile just makes us feel a little more relaxed.  It says to us, “its ok to be nervous or make mistakes”.  I have had dances that were so bad, and no one understood what the other wanted…but you take it with a pinch of salt…and sometimes those dances are the ones that have you both laughing and having a great time.  Other times, I practice different styling moves I have been playing around with in my head.  Especially when a man dances at a more basic level than me, it becomes a great opportunity to practice without pressure.  With more advanced dancers, you tend to have to concentrate much more and you can`t always practice things you are not so confident about.

My general rule is, “never say “NO” unless you are tired or have a good reason to say it”, and “you only have to dance with someone once”…if you find them too rough, or the dance too unpleasant, than at least you gave it a shot.   Like your mother always said “You don’t know if you don’t like it, until you have tried it”.